Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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