Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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