Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I smell like Dick and happiness
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
