Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
