apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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