even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
