Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
