I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
