I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
