you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
