god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
