I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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