Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
