I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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