Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
