Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
