After last night, I could never be a politician.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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