My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
