Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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