:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
