these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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