Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
