My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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