it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
