Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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