ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
