I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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