Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
