i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
