there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
