omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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