all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
