if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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