I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
