you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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