I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
