Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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