If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
