In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
