No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
