you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
