At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
