Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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