It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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