I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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