you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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