Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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