i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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