even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
