I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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