Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
